Reviewing My Life

Allender states, “If we’re taking a course, we’re willing to study books that bore us to pieces, but we won’t take time to review our own life, which holds answers about God and ourselves that will thrill us, amaze us and sober us.”

I have had lots of experiences in my life. Coming up with individual experiences that
thrill me, amaze me, and sober me should be easy…

We’ll it’s not. & it shouldn’t be this difficult to talk about things in my life. I am 35 years old and I know that I could put many experiences in each category.

Thrilled me

I started driving when I was 16 years old. My first car was a hand-me-down from my brother. It was amazing to feel free, but yet that was still not my car. It was in my father’s name and then my mother’s. After all the vehicles that I have driven, in almost 20 years I have to say that I have not felt as thrilled as when I purchased my current one.

I have owned many, but they have always been either with someone else, or financed through a bank.

After I got into a car wreck in my Crossover, I was hesitant to get another car. What did I want? Did I want a car payment? These were the decisions I had to make.

My husband was so supportive and helped me with my decisions. He even found my truck for me. A 2007 Mark LT that was new to me. It was perfect and all mine. No bank and only my name on the title.

Amazed me

Growing up I always loved kids; I would volunteer at church, or hang out with people I knew so that I could watch their babies.

That being said, my parents were not the best and I decided that I did not want kids. I was scared that I would be a terrible mother and that I wouldn’t be able to love my children.

My first pregnancy wasn’t pleasant. I gained about 50 lbs. that pregnancy. I was scared the entire time and still doubted how I could love someone that much, even though I already did.

Every time my baby quit moving, I wanted to go to the hospital. I was scared I wasn’t eating the correct things or doing the correct things.

William was born early and there were complications. I couldn’t have medication and it was so painful. Amazingly though, after William was born I forgot all that. The only thing I cared about was holding my beautiful baby boy and protecting him.

The same went for all of my boys. It amazed me how much I could love each of them!

Sobered me

As much as I hate to say it I have so many experiences that could fit in this category. The biggest one that comes to my mind right now and that I am actually still going through is when my oldest boy, 17, went to MEPS (a place for joining the Army) and came home with results saying we needed to take him to the doctor.

I shrugged it off and put off making a doctor appointment thinking that the doctors at MEPS were overreacting. However, the doctors stated that William had something wrong with his thyroid.

Imagine my feeling when I took him to his pediatrician, the doctor stated that “we would be lucky if it was nothing.”

Sitting there in the office, my son showed no reaction to the news, not when they took his blood and not when the doctor said that something was wrong with him.

I kept it together for my son, but it was probably the hardest thing I’ve had to do in my life. I did my best to not have my broken heart show on my face because I had to be strong for him — and that’s what I told myself over and over.

When I got home and was alone, I lost myself and allowed my emotions to flow.

My husband was there to support me as the tears flowed full of anger, sadness, and confusion… “How could my son be sick? He has always been so healthy.”

We took my son to the ENT. The doctor put in a referral for an ultrasound and stated that my son would probably need to have surgery. The same day that we had the appointment we walked to the lab to have his ultrasound.

As I sat there and watched the technician put the gel on his neck and wand over his neck I prayed. “Please God let this go away. Not my son. Let this be me. Let me take it.”

The next day we went back to the doctor to get the results. The doctor stated that my son had a four-centimeter nodule on his thyroid and that surgery was recommended.

Thankfully, the doctor was patient with me while I asked questions and explained his reasoning.

This was majorly sobering because although I know terrible things can happen and have happened to me before… I never imagined it would be my children. It has come with the realization that I have to fully trust God and let go of the control; because in this situation I have NONE.

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