Allender writes, “Coming to love your own life requires you to believe that the past was God’s will…”
When I first read these words I was taken aback. God’s Will is perfect so it’s difficult to see that these tragedies that people go through are of Him. Perhaps it’s like Job and it’s a test. Perhaps it is to make us who we will be as we get older. Perhaps… that is a word I have used a lot.
Those words about God’s will wanted to make me scream to be honest. I wanted to yell that how could the past is his will. How could the pain that I have endured be his will? If he loves me then why? These are the things I was thinking. I couldn’t understand, and if I’m honest I still do not completely, and I ask God’s forgiveness for questioning him.
After sitting on these words I felt bad, no bad isn’t the word I am looking for. Im not sure what the word is that I am looking for. Awareness??? God had his son go through 100 times more pain than I did to save us. Maybe I went through I did to help someone or some other people.
When I look at it in this way I can understand God’s will and accept it, even if it proves difficult on days where there are reminders of my past. Seeing God’s will isn’t difficult if we want to see it. Some things are more difficult to believe was God’s will. For example my stepfather dying when I was 11, or my parents’ way of parenting… But I know for a fact that my children are God’s will. Even having William at 17 and Alexander at 18.
My children are gifts from God. His way to show me that I am loved and I am needed. My parents showed me a different way of being a parent, one that I cannot follow. I am grateful for it though because they have shaped me, or rather have helped shape me to become the person I am today and who I am becoming tomorrow.