Whose fault is it that you went through that terrible time? Is it REALLY yours? Did YOU cause that person to treat you terribly? So you are telling me that YOU can control other people? Wow that is a talent that I am grateful that I do not have.
Like you, I once said that it was my fault. It was my fault that my parents fought, it was my fault that my step-father got cancer and passed away, it was my fault that we were taken away from my mother and she was taken to jail, and then later on in life; it was my fault that my husband hit me… Over-time the self-blame that I faced caused problems in my life; not only in my relationship with others, and my relationship with myself, but also my relationship with God. How could God love someone like me?
The self-blame continued to grow, year after year, and soon it turned into depise. Not only was I blaming myself for all the bad things that happened around and to me, but I started to hate myself. I couldn’t look at myself in the mirror without getting angry. Anyone who gave me a compliment I questioned… I blocked relationships and stayed at a distance from people because they didn’t need someone like me in their life.
And then the turning point… God made me see his love, he spoke to me and asked why I hated his daughter? Was it easy to look at myself in the mirror after that? NO!!! Although I didn’t hate myself, I didn’t love myself either. I still blamed myself for things that were at no way my fault. At no time did I force my mother to do the things she did, and it wasn’t my responsibility, at 12, to take care of the house and my brothers. How was defending myself from my ex-husband a right for him to hit me? It wasn’t, but still I took the blame.
Like you I understand how easy it is to take the blame for bad things that happen. I know how easy it is to say, “I can handle it.” I also know how easy it is to be angry with yourself for something that IS NOT your fault. God does not say that it is a sin to become angry: If you read that correctly it says
If you become angry, do not let your anger lead you into sin, and do not stay angry all day. (Ephesians 4:26)
If you read that correctly it says to not sin when you become angry. I fully believe that God understands when we get angry, and that we have a right to be angry and hurt when people sin against us or put us into bad situations. If you continue reading Ephesians 4, God also directs us further:
Get rid of all bitterness, passion, and anger. No more shouting or insults, no more hateful feelings of any sort. (Ephesians 4:31)
We are allowed to be angry, but we have to work to get rid of that anger. To be able to get rid of that anger first you have to give it to the correct person. Blaming yourself for something that you had no control of is the first step of giving that anger to the person who caused it. After you acknowledge your anger you can work on your forgiveness for that person.